The Art of Intimacy

The Art of Intimacy

Validation -- Proverbs 4:7 though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 20: 5 the purposes of a wo/ mans heart are deep waters and man of understanding draws them out

• Validation is NOT...
"you're right" about "someone's self esteem" "being fearful of speaking the truth"
• Validation IS...

saying "you are important"

"You are more important than proving I'm right"
Learning how NOT to be a defensive listener
Saying I GET YOU
you're not alone "I respect you"

Why is validation important: we all want to be heard.
• Roadblocks

"They will take advantage of this
"This is SO not how I talk (flowery, touchy geeky)
"This takes too much time"
Fear - it is not

Definition of empathy: understanding the meaning someone makes, putting oneself in your partner's shoes, feeling what they feel (Philippians 2:3-4).

Perspective taking
A visceral response to another
• The Importance of Timeouts

Diaphragmatic breathing - with arguments, we need to breath to calm down. Our fight or flight response causes adrenaline to rush into our body and our brain. Our heart rate speeds up, and we start to perspire.

Our body warns us that we should not be in that situation - it may be a good time for a timeout. *** put a time on the timeout (it takes 20 minutes for the adrenaline to leave the body).

"I can feel myself getting worked up, can we take a timeout."
Give the space the other person need.
If we ask for a timeout, we need to use our timeout!
If you take the timeout, you need to be the one that initiates when you come back for resolution.
Follow up with another couple, let them help. We all need support.
Do these things safely!

How to validate -- reflect, ask questions, confirm, and empathize! Proverbs 2:2






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