DEALING WITH SERIOUS MARRIAGE OR OTHER RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

INTRODUCTION:

1. Begin by asking why we have serious relationship problems in marriage and in relationships generally (a good time for discussion and getting people to think.

2. When marriages need help (and all do!), the first step is evaluating the nature of the problems before proceeding. NOTE: these same principles apply quite well to relationship challenges between disciples generally, not just marrieds.

3. Many marriages or other relationships are just stuck at a given point and have specific issues that can be addressed to help the marriage partners get "unstuck."

4. However, if the problems are really serious, indicating much deeper, unsettled issues, you will have to avoid the temptation to address the surrounding issues, such as communication difficulties, rather than seek to deal with the root itself.

5. Obviously, we cannot succumb to that temptation.

6. Always think about man's relationship with God in trying to help human relationships − the principles are quite similar.

6. When people are out of relationship with God, at least two things are obvious: One, it will not help them to simply work on behavioral issues − the problem is far deeper than that. Two, before such issues can be beneficially addressed, that bigger problem must be solved (sin!).

7. Unresolved sins in marriage will render attempts to improve other issues practically useless.

8. As in our relationship with God, improving behavior will not take away unresolved and unrepentant sins in that relationship.

BODY:

1. Help Both Mates See Their Sin and Its Consequences

   1. Begin by giving them a writing assignment.

      1. Prior to getting with them the first time, have them individually make a list of the strengths that they have had in their marriage in the past, and in the present.

      2. Next, have them write out what they have done to hurt the marriage (their own sins).

      3. Then have them make a list of the unresolved issues with their mate (their mate's sins).

      4. Don't give the assignment until you are going to get with them within three or four days.

1. This will give them time to do the assignment, but not too much time to be upset and/or angry once they are completely in touch with their hurts.

2. Ask them not to discuss the assignment with one another before getting with you – otherwise they will likely get into major arguments.

2. Go through the sin list in Galatians 5:19-21, and find out just where each partner is with God.

   1. When we first started using this approach, one couple (combined) was guilty of 8 of the 15 sins in the list, and another couple was guilty of 12 of the 15.

   2. Yet, both couples had been Christians for years, and one of them had been in leadership for years.

3. If we allow poor marriage relationships to lead into this kind of sin situations, we will lose our relationship with God.

   1. We must love others if we are to know God (1 John 4:8, 20).

   2. Some married couples are far too accepting of the kind of behavior within marriage that God simply will not accept − which means that they could be lost eternally due to the sins in their marriage left unchanged.

   3. And some leaders are likewise too accepting of sins in marriage (that simply would not be tolerated in other relationships).

4. The way of the cross demands that we show our mates real agape love.

   1. 1 Peter 2:18-3:7 is the passage to demonstrate just what this kind of love includes.

      1. Submission with all respect, even when the husband is leading harshly.

      2. The principle of "melting" those who mistreat us is the way of the cross (see also Romans 12:17-21).

      3. In 3:6, the woman's challenge is to trust God and not give in to fear.

      4. In 3:7, the man's challenge is to be considerate and respectful of his wife, even in areas where she is the weaker partner (perhaps her "weakness" is being less "logical" in her thought processes than her husband − or less organized, decisive, or whatever other quality tests his patience).

   2. No relationship shows more of who and what we really are than the marriage relationship. Without living as Jesus lived, our claims to be disciples are empty (1 John 2:6).

2. Help Both Mates to Understand Repentance

   1. 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 is a key passage in showing the basis for repentance.

      1. Godly sorrow, not worldly sorrow is that basis. Do not be confused by self-pity and other forms of worldly sorrow. (Tears may be good, and tears may be bad − explain.)

      2. The level of alarm and urgency says much about where a person is on the road to biblical repentance.

   2. James 4:7-10 is another important passage defining repentance.

      1. Satan can be resisted in any marriage, but not without coming near to God.

      2. Double-mindedness in marriage is intellectually espousing one thing while practicing another. Expressing good intentions means nothing if no real change is produced. Actually, it is a form of lying!

      3. Hearts that are cut by sin produce real emotional repentance and humility. Pride and repentance cannot dwell together!

3. Help Both Mates to Follow Through With Their Expressed Intentions

   1. Accountability is a must.

   2. Swift action when repentance fails cannot be neglected (see Ecclesiastes 8:11).

   3. How to help them gain brokenness before God (Matthew 21:42, 44).

      1. Assignments to be done on their own are always needed – such as the following.

1. Find out what brought them to brokenness when they became disciples.

2. Have them read "Thirty Days at the Foot of the Cross" and make notes and/or answer questions.

3. Write down how Jesus responded to the same types of treatment that they feel they are receiving from their mates.

4. If they are in a leadership position, they may need to be relieved of some duties to both give them time to work on their sins, but also to impress upon them the seriousness of the situation.

5. Some intense prayer times with you may be key (perhaps combined with fasting).

2. Provide their disciplers or other leaders with direction and authority from you to help them follow through.

CONCLUSION:

1. The keys to helping get people "unstuck" in relationships are: refuse to accept their remaining in that position; be convicted about how being in such a state affects their relationships to God; do not let people focus on who is right, but rather on what it right (percentages of right and wrong are not of consequence); realize that resolution is the ultimate conclusion you are after; finally, imitation of Jesus is what being a disciple is all about.

2. Recognize your own tendencies to either be sentimental with one of those involved in the conflict, or to have critical attitudes toward them because of their sins or personalities. DON'T TAKE SIDES – BE A PEACEMAKER!